[Just a repetition, but he understands, he thinks. Phrases have meaning greater than the sum of their words. His expression in response to that smile is soft, pleased, but--also not, entirely.]
I wonder if I might have misspoken. You have a very lovely smile. I always like to see it. But I think what I meant was . . . I want you to be happy. Not a smile up here.
[ Awwww, Giorno... That was incredibly lame.If this was Wylan, he'd definitely make fun of him for a line like that, but Giorno isn't some rich mercher's son. Even if he is cute. ]
You're really something, Giorno. [ Jesper smiles honest for a second, then quickly suppresses a chuckle with his hand. ]
When am I not smiling here? [ He mirrors Giorno's gesture, tapping his chest. ]
[It was excruciatingly lame. But he also meant it, which . . . probably makes it worse, actually. He really is this sentimental under the right circumstances.]
[He frowns a little at being laughed at, but not much. It's not terrible. Anyway, he used to be used to it.]
Mmhm. So are you.
[He shrugs one shoulder.]
When you're smiling to make someone else smile, or to keep someone else from frowning. Or to keep yourself from frowning. Or to make yourself look invulnerable. I know it's not here [--he taps his chest--] when it hits here [--his mouth--] but not here. [The corner of his eye.]
I don't know why you do it. I figure, you'll tell me when you want to. If you want to.
[Something about home, then. Again, he sighs internally about these Ketterdam boys. Cagey bastards. He tips his head to one side.]
It isn't "letting," is it? It's what you've always done, or at least done for a long time. So the idea of stopping barely makes sense anymore. If it keeps things rolling, smiling even when you're sad, what if letting the smile go stops everything in its tracks?
[He purses his lips, lowers his eyes to think for a moment.]
Maybe the best thing to do if you don't know where to start is just to say the first thing that comes to your head. Even if it doesn't make sense out of context. It's not as if I'm going anywhere. There's time.
[ It's not the smiling that's a problem, really. It's the pretending things are cool. Pretending Jesper's fine with who he is and what he can do. There's no reason to hide it here; there's no Fjerda, no Ravka or Shu Han. Nothing bad's gonna happen. His friends already know. And Giorno's his friend.
Jesper sighs, ducking his head behind his hands before he finally turns back around. ]
I've been hiding this thing ever since my mom died. It's... Kaz says it's a gift. Mom used to say that, too, but damn, it's hard. [ That doesn't make a lot of sense in context, he knows. ] Back home... well, back in Ketterdam...
[ He sighs again. This isn't the way to do this. He starts over. ]
Imagine you had this power. This thing you could do, that feels good to do, and it can help people. It's real useful. Mine not so much, but some people can heal or kill people with a flick of their wrists. Or make fire or control the tides. There are Grisha who can do that. But the trouble with Grisha is... they're treated like tools in Ketterdam. Traded and bought or they're sent away to Shu Han to live in slavery. In Fjerda they kill them on sight, they even have a special army just for hunting Grisha. The best-case is Ravka, where their Second Army at least lets people train and study their skills.
But none of that stuff is for me. I didn't want to go to school for just Grisha or move to Ravka and join some army, so... so I hid it. And I've been hiding it since I was a kid. [ Because of his dad mostly... but those are issues for another time. ] It's not like anyone else her is normal, I know that, but... even being here, knowing no one else cares doesn't change what I'm used to. It's not like I can just flip a switch and quit lying to myself, you know?
[It's strange to see Jesper in pain and not be able to do anything about it. He hides his face behind his hands, and Giorno's fingers twitch, instinctively seeking to fix what aches, to press circles against the tension between Jesper's shoulders until they relax.]
[He can't, though. And he could suggest it, that it might be easier to speak in person, but he's worried that'll break this spell of honesty, which is the last thing he wants. So he just listens instead, quiet and attentive, as Jesper comes out from behind his hands and confesses.]
Kaz is right.
[That first. It is a gift. Giorno doesn't know how to reconcile a mother's statement with kindness, but he supposes she was right, too.]
But you were right too. At least from what you tell me, that's how it seems. You wanted to be safe and free and yourself. I've told lies for years so I could be safe and free and myself. It's hard to stop. Impossible to stop all at once.
[The corners of his mouth lift a little, quietly encouraging.]
You started, though. Just now. My friend told me he was a Grisha, and he's still my friend. Just like if I told him something he didn't know about me, I would still be his friend.
[ Jesper actually blushes. 'Kaz is right,' he says. Kaz is always right, that's one of the things Jesper likes about him, but those, too, are feelings for another time. Giorno's words make him smile and that's what's important here. He'll take what he can get. ]
Yeah, I just wonder sometimes... my life would be a lot different if I'd, I don't know, embraced my abilities, or something like that. I sure wouldn't have ended up in the Barrel, working for Kaz, that's for sure.
[ And in debt. Deeply in debt. But Giorno doesn't need to know about that. Jesper doesn't regret ending up with Kaz, of course, but a life of crime isn't exactly the kind of life you write home about. ]
You're too damn sweet, you know that, Giorno? [ HE'S!! BLUSHING A LOT!! ] But I'm really glad we're friends.
[Oh, no. This is very, very adorable. Giorno manages not to laugh out loud by immediately biting his lip, but he can't not grin, that would be impossible.]
I've never seen you embarrassed before, Jesper. It's a good look.
[It's such a good look. Why can't he frame it.]
I'm glad we're friends, too. I like all the parts of being your friend. The fun parts and the serious parts and the parts we haven't gotten to yet. I like you whether you're a Grisha or not or one in secret, or if you're smiling or sad or embarrassed or anything at all. So there.
[ Jesper half-heartedly covers his face with his hand. ]
Don't be so smug. I'm not used to this many honest compliments, that's all.
[ He is definitely. Still blushing. So much. He likes the smugness, don't let his words fool you. ]
But I like all those things, too. And I may be good at a lot of things, but talking about my feelings isn't one of them, so... thank you. It felt good getting that off my chest.
[ Gosh, who'd have thought he'd be the one who ends up blushing? Normally Wylan is supposed to be That Guy. ]
[Half promise, half threat. Promise because Jesper deserves to hear it, threat because a lot of Giorno's motivation will be this unexpected blushing thing. A boy who gets easily overwhelmed by compliments is a powerful motivator.]
I have a lot of nice things to say about you. You're being very cute, so I'll say them even more, probably.
[Hm. But his expression softens a bit.]
And you're welcome, of course. But you know I'll keep asking, don't you? You can tell me as much or as little as you want. But I'll keep asking until you're good at it. And then when you tell me things I'll tell you how cute you are. The deal is the deal.
[ Ah, threats. Now those are very familiar to him. Jesper chuckles, trying to play it cool but still very visibly flustered. ]
That's usually my line, you know?
[ Jesper's supposed to be the flirty one, the one who gets people (mainly Wylan) to fluster and blush. Don't tell Kaz you got him like this (not that Kaz would care...) ]
The deal is the deal, huh? [ He grins, still looking away. Look at you, Giorno, talking like a proper Kerch gangster. Jesper's almost a little proud. ] Guess so. The deal is the deal then.
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no subject
[Just a repetition, but he understands, he thinks. Phrases have meaning greater than the sum of their words. His expression in response to that smile is soft, pleased, but--also not, entirely.]
I wonder if I might have misspoken. You have a very lovely smile. I always like to see it. But I think what I meant was . . . I want you to be happy. Not a smile up here.
[He taps the corner of his mouth.]
But down here.
[And he taps his chest, over his heart.]
no subject
You're really something, Giorno. [ Jesper smiles honest for a second, then quickly suppresses a chuckle with his hand. ]
When am I not smiling here? [ He mirrors Giorno's gesture, tapping his chest. ]
no subject
[He frowns a little at being laughed at, but not much. It's not terrible. Anyway, he used to be used to it.]
Mmhm. So are you.
[He shrugs one shoulder.]
When you're smiling to make someone else smile, or to keep someone else from frowning. Or to keep yourself from frowning. Or to make yourself look invulnerable. I know it's not here [--he taps his chest--] when it hits here [--his mouth--] but not here. [The corner of his eye.]
I don't know why you do it. I figure, you'll tell me when you want to. If you want to.
no subject
Yeah, I guess that's true. [ His smile fades just a bit as he looks down, away from where Giorno can see. ]
Doesn't matter here. Or it shouldn't anyway. I don't know why I let it bother me.
[ He turns back, his smile certainly not reaching his eyes. ]
I guess I'm just too accustomed to it. Wouldn't know where to start, you know?
no subject
It isn't "letting," is it? It's what you've always done, or at least done for a long time. So the idea of stopping barely makes sense anymore. If it keeps things rolling, smiling even when you're sad, what if letting the smile go stops everything in its tracks?
[He purses his lips, lowers his eyes to think for a moment.]
Maybe the best thing to do if you don't know where to start is just to say the first thing that comes to your head. Even if it doesn't make sense out of context. It's not as if I'm going anywhere. There's time.
no subject
[ It's not the smiling that's a problem, really. It's the pretending things are cool. Pretending Jesper's fine with who he is and what he can do. There's no reason to hide it here; there's no Fjerda, no Ravka or Shu Han. Nothing bad's gonna happen. His friends already know. And Giorno's his friend.
Jesper sighs, ducking his head behind his hands before he finally turns back around. ]
I've been hiding this thing ever since my mom died. It's... Kaz says it's a gift. Mom used to say that, too, but damn, it's hard. [ That doesn't make a lot of sense in context, he knows. ] Back home... well, back in Ketterdam...
[ He sighs again. This isn't the way to do this. He starts over. ]
Imagine you had this power. This thing you could do, that feels good to do, and it can help people. It's real useful. Mine not so much, but some people can heal or kill people with a flick of their wrists. Or make fire or control the tides. There are Grisha who can do that. But the trouble with Grisha is... they're treated like tools in Ketterdam. Traded and bought or they're sent away to Shu Han to live in slavery. In Fjerda they kill them on sight, they even have a special army just for hunting Grisha. The best-case is Ravka, where their Second Army at least lets people train and study their skills.
But none of that stuff is for me. I didn't want to go to school for just Grisha or move to Ravka and join some army, so... so I hid it. And I've been hiding it since I was a kid. [ Because of his dad mostly... but those are issues for another time. ] It's not like anyone else her is normal, I know that, but... even being here, knowing no one else cares doesn't change what I'm used to. It's not like I can just flip a switch and quit lying to myself, you know?
no subject
[He can't, though. And he could suggest it, that it might be easier to speak in person, but he's worried that'll break this spell of honesty, which is the last thing he wants. So he just listens instead, quiet and attentive, as Jesper comes out from behind his hands and confesses.]
Kaz is right.
[That first. It is a gift. Giorno doesn't know how to reconcile a mother's statement with kindness, but he supposes she was right, too.]
But you were right too. At least from what you tell me, that's how it seems. You wanted to be safe and free and yourself. I've told lies for years so I could be safe and free and myself. It's hard to stop. Impossible to stop all at once.
[The corners of his mouth lift a little, quietly encouraging.]
You started, though. Just now. My friend told me he was a Grisha, and he's still my friend. Just like if I told him something he didn't know about me, I would still be his friend.
no subject
Yeah, I just wonder sometimes... my life would be a lot different if I'd, I don't know, embraced my abilities, or something like that. I sure wouldn't have ended up in the Barrel, working for Kaz, that's for sure.
[ And in debt. Deeply in debt. But Giorno doesn't need to know about that. Jesper doesn't regret ending up with Kaz, of course, but a life of crime isn't exactly the kind of life you write home about. ]
You're too damn sweet, you know that, Giorno? [ HE'S!! BLUSHING A LOT!! ] But I'm really glad we're friends.
no subject
I've never seen you embarrassed before, Jesper. It's a good look.
[It's such a good look. Why can't he frame it.]
I'm glad we're friends, too. I like all the parts of being your friend. The fun parts and the serious parts and the parts we haven't gotten to yet. I like you whether you're a Grisha or not or one in secret, or if you're smiling or sad or embarrassed or anything at all. So there.
no subject
Don't be so smug. I'm not used to this many honest compliments, that's all.
[ He is definitely. Still blushing. So much. He likes the smugness, don't let his words fool you. ]
But I like all those things, too. And I may be good at a lot of things, but talking about my feelings isn't one of them, so... thank you. It felt good getting that off my chest.
[ Gosh, who'd have thought he'd be the one who ends up blushing? Normally Wylan is supposed to be That Guy. ]
no subject
[Half promise, half threat. Promise because Jesper deserves to hear it, threat because a lot of Giorno's motivation will be this unexpected blushing thing. A boy who gets easily overwhelmed by compliments is a powerful motivator.]
I have a lot of nice things to say about you. You're being very cute, so I'll say them even more, probably.
[Hm. But his expression softens a bit.]
And you're welcome, of course. But you know I'll keep asking, don't you? You can tell me as much or as little as you want. But I'll keep asking until you're good at it. And then when you tell me things I'll tell you how cute you are. The deal is the deal.
no subject
That's usually my line, you know?
[ Jesper's supposed to be the flirty one, the one who gets people (mainly Wylan) to fluster and blush. Don't tell Kaz you got him like this (not that Kaz would care...) ]
The deal is the deal, huh? [ He grins, still looking away. Look at you, Giorno, talking like a proper Kerch gangster. Jesper's almost a little proud. ] Guess so. The deal is the deal then.